Ron Harris, You Complete Me

Yesterday while doing a couple chores I felt different. I didn't quite put my finger on it until I was walking along the boardwalk taking Winston for a stroll. I am feeling incomplete; there is half of me missing. This is not to say that I am not in my right mind, this is not to say that I cannot cope or make decisions. It means that I am at the marina with a great feeling of emptiness. Ron and I, in the true essence of the meaning shared a lifestyle. Something as simple as doing dishes is poignant chore for it was Ron who liked to do the dishes. Goddammit, he should be here doing the dishes. We would have great conversations while he did dishes and I worked on other tasks. I miss our everyday simplicity of just being.

Believe it or not, as soon as I get in the Volvo to head to the hospital, I immediately start to feel whole; I feel strong by the time I reach the hospital and am able to greet Ron with a smile, a hug and a kiss hello. I, too, see his face light up. Ron Harris, my husband, you complete me.

Where does the time go. Yesterday and today literally flew by. Neighbour Dave helped me change the macerater pump on the toilet. I am not electrically inclined so needed some assistance connecting the wires. It is not done the same way as with a house. Laundry was done so Ron could have fresh undies. OK, they are not undies and he is appalled when I call his jockies undies.

Doug and Karen, Ron is so enjoying the down quilt. Lyn, Kathy, Len, Doug, Tom and Keri and Spiff, thank you for your visit and of course your medicinal conversation about boats and bringing on the laughter. Tim, thank you for bringing Winston out for a visit. Ron finds joy simply by having Winston in the room with him.

Today thanks to Ken, Penny, Helen, Garth, Len, and Dawna another great day was had by Ron. Also, Ron was allowed out for a few hours. He must be demonstrating good behaviour. With Garth and Helen, we went into Sidney and walked along the waterfront, purchased slippers for Ron and indulged in a coffee at Starbucks. Winston spent the day with us and thank you to Tim for picking up Winston at the end of the day.

Just so you know, Ron has few needs. Food gifts in the past few days have included soup, cheese, crackers, chocolate, cookies, popcorn, peanuts, jujubes and fruit. Beverages include (yes believe it), Smirnoff Ice coolers, Pineapple coolers, red wine and two brands of scotch. Ron likes to have a night cap so indulge he will.

Ron's room # 1464 was great. It was at the end of the hall so not a lot of traffic passing by. It has a view of the field and best of all it is private - as all the rooms in palliative care are. The nurses have fallen in love with Winston so he comes in the back door and settles on his doggy bed nest to Ron's bed. Ron said he was very comfortable. We knew there were larger rooms and today I was thinking of how I could tactfully find out if Ron was eligible for one of these rooms should one become available. Not ten minutes after I had this thought did the nurse come in and ask me to come and look. It was a much larger room and Ron could have it if he wanted. I said, "Of course!". While we were out, Ron's belongings and stuff was moved to his new room. It has a separate door to the outside - a Winston door. I have come to the conclusion that I am not sure if the nurse offered it for Ron's benefit or Winston's.

Tomorrow we are looking forward to Stewart, Clare, Juliet and Amelia coming down from the Comox Valley to visit Poppa Ron.

Love Me Tender

Today we had an early start. Ron and I met with Andrea in his room to discuss further the results from the CT scan. We had one more item to discuss and that was Ron's abuse of the system. Yes folks you read right! Ron was worried that because he had two good nights sleep, he felt that he didn't belong in the Palliative Care Unit. Andrea was very stern in reassuring him that palliative care is for people like Ron who need to be in a reassuring environment by having medications monitored while getting pain and other symptoms under control. Ron, you silly goose. No more talk like that or you will have to deal with your wife!!

Today Ron was just as zoned out but not talking to the Starship Enterprise. Visitors started to arrive by 1300. Ron was very happy and chatty. Thank you for delighting Ron with your presence and listening to his stories.

Also, thank you to Doug and Karen for the twin size down quilt for Ron's bed and the magazines. Thank you to Eddy and Dawna for the Chinese food for supper. Thank you Tim and Tara for bringing Winston and lattes. Ken, thank you for the DVD's. You chose well.

Len B,and Dawna thank you for sharing Ron's story with Doug. He has contacted me and as it should be between friends, you can simply pick up where you left off.

It the truth were known today, I had a splitting sinus headache. Ron knew this and several times requested that I just rest. I am a Capricorn so that is not easily done when there are things to do. After Doug and Karen left, Ron convinced me to take the bed and snuggle with the quilt while he addressed his email messages. Reluctantly I did as he asked. Ron closed the door, closed the blind, put on smooth and quiet music and tucked me in. Tenderly he kissed me on the forehead and sat near while I slept. I felt completely loved by these so simple yet loving gestures. Sweet dreams.

Visitors To Saanich Peninsula Hospital Palliative Care

Many of you have been asking about coming out to visit Ron. He is up to having visitors and would love to see you. He only asks that you check with me to ensure that y'all do not arrive at the same time on the same day. Please call or send me an email with your suggested time of visit and together we will finalize a date and time.

See you soon!

Earth To Spock

Last night Ron in palliative care and me at home. We both had good and much needed sleeps. As I arrived this morning, Ron was being whisked away for a CT scan. Ron's son, Ryan, was visiting so the two of us got a few minutes to catch up. Ron was soon delivered back to his room.

I soon realized that my husband was drugged like I had never seen before. Keep in mind, Ron was a goody two shoes growing up - no smoking, no drugs. His vice was red wine. Being under the influence of drugs was a new experience for Ron.

He was still in his jammies, laying comfortably but half sitting up in bed. He started a conversation with me and Ryan and just zone out. This was very strange for me to witness. He also picked up the phone in the room and jokingly said 'Earth to Spock, earth to Spock'. Ryan and I chuckled and Ron said it was like he was on the Starship Enterprise. Well, you couldn't help but laugh out loud. Ron was in and out of conversations most of the day. While I was conversing with the social worker, Ron would just jump in and start talking about his own version of our conversation.

The CT scan. While there is good news that the liver has not been compromised and nor has the abdomen. The heart has been compromised. The right lung is showing signs of metastasis, small tumours but tumours all the same.

We had a good afternoon and evening. It was good because Ron was pain free and relaxed more than ever. He could sit for long periods of time with out being anxious and feeling a need to walk out the pain. We played crib. That too was funny... he just cannot count a crib hand on those drugs. I will have to sharpen him up before Bill arrives to have a game or two next week.

Ron also ate well. Thank you to the Revenue Solutions Branch who contributed to the food basket for me to take to Ron. He enjoyed a bit of everything; soup, cheese, crackers, homemade tarts. I enjoyed the delicious licorice! We have leftovers for tomorrows lunch.

Tomorrow I will return to the hospital bright and early. Ron and I will be talking to Andrea and the radiologist about the swelling and what is causing it. It remains a mystery.

We will see what the next few days will hold. Fingers crossed for all things good for Ron.

My Heart Says NO!

My heart says no, but my mind says yes. It was an incredible conflict I faced today.

My heart ached for everything to stay the same; to be all right. My mind said that it is OK, it is all about Ron. This great tug of war between my heart and mind came to light when we realized it was time for Ron to be admitted to palliative care.

In this blog we have chosen to keep it light. I find as we support Ron in his journey, it is more difficult to gloss over the reality. I believe in my heart that Ron has gallantly endured more discomfort to stay aboard Ta Daa as long as possible. The truth is that this sinister mass consuming his chest cavity and organs is taking its toll - physically, emotionally and mentally - each and every day.

Today while visiting Andrea, his esteemed physician, Ron stated it was time for him to go to palliative care. He has not slept a full night since November. We knew this but he felt the snippets he was catching was enough. Couple the lack of sleep with pain that would not go away and you get one fatigued, exhausted man. While explaining how he felt and the frustration, tears welled up in his eyes. Unfortunately, a bed was not available. Ron settled for spending one or two nights at Doug and Karen's. I had, I thought, a couple days to digest Ron's request. To Ron's benefit, a bed became available.

This meant, for me, Ron likely will not set foot again on our boat. Our boat was not my dream, it was not Ron's dream. It is our dream. Wow, I need to work through this. My heart wanted to deny and scream NO, it is not time for us to end our dream - at least not like this. My mind admitted that this was right for Ron and this is all about Ron, his comfort, his peace of mind and contentment. This is also Ron's way of continuing to take care of me. He worried about situation that would be next to impossible to deal with while living on a boat.

We shared many teary times today. I will admit that this whole week has been weepy for me. After picking up a handicap tag for the car and a wheelchair we swung past the boat to get gear for Ron to take to the hospital. Every moment was agony. The drive to Saanich Peninsula Hospital was silent. I asked Ron if he was hungry. I can't believe it but he requested McDonalds drive through over hospital food for supper.

Once we arrived at palliative care, Ron felt a great sense of relief. The nurses made sure he was comfortable and were more than attentive to his needs. Tonight his meds were slightly adjusted. Tomorrow there would be a consultation with the palliative care doctor and Andrea. Andrea wants to find out what else is going on to cause discomfort in his hip.

Ron's spirit has stayed strong. Ron's sense of humour has not diminished. Ron's physical house for his body is severely failing him. Earlier I mentioned the mass consuming his chest cavity. This has caused obvious physical change in Ron. He has lost weight, his legs and left hand are swollen, his gait is extremely impaired, his breathing is shallow and often laboured. It does not matter the physical, mental or emotional changes. The Ron today is still the man I fell in love with and married on August 16, 1997. Nothing will ever change that.

Ripples In A Pond

Ron and I have often talked about how diverse you, our family and friends are. You come from all walks of life, you come from all income levels, you come from your own unique experiences. What you share in common is your love and support of Ron since he embarked on his journey of living and coping with cancer. Also, your love and encouragement for me. We receive phone calls, we receive emails, we receive visitors and we are invited into your home - all are most welcome and all are crucial for our mental and emotional well being. I want to share with you, some of our experiences.

You have all heard of our generous friends, Bill, Leanne and Gracie. Their home is our home away from home in the Comox Valley. And... they dared to travel with us knowing that the unexpected could happen and knowing that we would all just deal with it.

Ron's workmates, just today, filled our hearts with an abundance of love and compassion as they swarmed Ron in the hallway. It brought us both to tears. And Cheryl, your offer for you and Ted to help me with anything with the boat anytime is greatly appreciated. I am truly hoping that we can take Ron out for a sail when the weather warms. I can also learn a thing or two from Ted.

Penny and Ken, your emails are timely and your words eloquent. Penny, your visual I want to share with the readers. Penny writes that Ron and I are like a pebble dropped into a pond. The ripples that spread out from it are the family and friends encircling us. That is exactly how we have felts since day one - August 19. We have felt embraced, warmed, hopeful, loved, energized and much more because of those of you caring to stay close to us while we take one step at a time.

MG keep your little emails coming. Your snippets of kindness are as significant as a one time expression.

For the remainder of our friends and family, many of you have been noted in previous insertions If not, I have not doubt you will be noted in the future for a memorable act of kindness. Your kind gestures are in no way any less appreciated than those revealed above. Our hearts, even through difficult times are filled with joy because of you!

Epiphany

I was dragging my feet for fear of pain – emotional pain from writing about our recent news. You see, the day after getting home from Disney World, Ron had an appointment with the Radiation Oncologist. This visit did not result in good news. We found out that the cancer is spreading, again, faster than we ever expected. It is now affecting the heart and the diaphragm. At the rate of growth, the doctor suggested that Ron could be in hospice care within two months. Wow... there is a time line for you – two months, eight weeks, sixty days, one thousand four hundred forty hours. Of this time we are told that there will be ever changing symptoms as his physical health deteriorates.
It is pointless for me to drone on about how shell shocked we were at this new development. It is also pointless for me to go into details about the implications of involving the heart. I also choose not to lay out the details because it is too emotionally painful.
Today we were, once again, at the doctor’s office. She has sent Ron for blood work to reveal whether or not there are implications of cancer on the liver. Also, it is suspected that the lymph nodes are involved. Pain medications have been increased.
As I was walking away from the boat today I had an epiphany. Once Ron declares that he needs hospice it will be the last time he will be on the boat – our home, our dream. When we hold hands, I will not know if this the last time that he will give my hand a little squeeze. When we hug, I will not know if it will be the last big hug that leaves me feeling loved. When we kiss, I will not know if it will be our last kiss that seals our love.
We have decided that we need to process this information, dig deep and find strength to march on as we always do when times are tough. My new fear is that I am not the woman of strength I believed to be. Ron is handling this with great dignity. Husband, I am so proud of you!

Ron, the first time you held my hand I felt loved and complete. Know and trust that I will hold your hand as we endure this journey that will take you to your own destination. I love you so much.