Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Ultimate Gift Between Soul Mates

When I typed the last post I truly did not know when I would write again. So much has happened emotionally and mentally for me and the kids. For Ron the same but add the physical challenges. Last night we all went home, completely drained and perhaps a little spaced out given the decline in Ron's condition. I feared the nurses would be calling me in the middle of the night. They did not.

They did call me at seven and the doctor called at 0745. Ron has requested me and Winston to be at the hospital as soon as possible. Meg, my daughter, came along for the early start to see Ron. I was sincerely surprised to see him sitting up at the computer patiently (or impatiently) awaiting our arrival. He immediately said, "We are going to Starbucks for coffee." I said OK, are you going in your jammies or jeans. Jeans it was. We got the necessary medications to take with us and promptly headed to Starbucks in Sidney. Skinny lattes and low fat fruit bars to go. Ron said he needed to talk to me so off to Cy Hanson Park we went... Meg could walk Winston while Ron and I talked.

What Ron offered, at first, I did not recognize as a gift. In the Volvo, Ron turned to me and said, "I am ready to go, I don't want to do this anymore. Are you OK with that?" I said, "Yes, I will always respect your decisions on this journey."

I went on to say that there were a few things that I now needed to tell him. First, his kids are OK. Kirsten has spoken to the Social Worker at the hospital. Ryan will be alright. Stewart and Meghan who have been through this before are also communicating with Ryan and Kirsten. Stewart and Meghan will be alright. The four of them are strong kids and this will be a life experience for them. Ron then asked about me. I assured him that I would be fine. I have Leanne and Bill and so many others that have unselfishly offered their support. He then said what about the boat. I also reassured Ron that I will be fine aboard Ta Daa and that I have Winston. I also disclosed to Ron that Ryan gave me the biggest hug and thanked me for looking after his dad. All of this meant so much to Ron and greatly reduced his level of anxiety.

We then talked about who would be waiting for him when he passes: his mom, his dad, my mom (whom he calls the Queen Mom) - they would be waiting to take his hand. Lou, I told him that you are like a brother and when it is your time, he will be coming for that Crown Royal he owes you. I also warned him that he has not seen the last of me. When it is my time, we will be together again, doing what we do best - loving and being with each other. This all brought a tear or two to his eyes. He leaned over and gently kissed me and said "I love you so much. I am glad you are my wife, I am glad we agree on this." He then said, "Now that we agree on this decision, what do I do next, do I pick up the phone, who do I call?"

Well, this threw me for a loop and we had a little laugh. I suggested that perhaps it goes a little different than that. Perhaps it is now time for your body, mind and soul to come together. I also suggested that now he is at peace with his decision and there is nothing to worry about, his primary job is to relax and recognize when it is time to pass.

When Meg returned from walking Winston I told her about my and Ron's conversation and decision. She went to his side of the car and gave him the biggest hug, told Ron how much she loved him and that he was just not a step-dad, he was another dad. With the relationship that my kids had with Ron, no words could be truer.

Once back at the hospital, after a scenic tour around Saanich Peninsula, Kirsten arrived. I shared the morning conversation with her. I know that she was comfortable with her dad's decision.

While sitting with Ron, I realized all too often, we are giving our loved ones permission to leave. How often do we know they are ready to pass. I also got to ask Ron about visitors - he said no thanks, just the you and the kids. He also said that he wants to pass very soon; in the next day or two. We shall see.

Ron has gifted us the knowledge that he is ready to go. We have shared the ultimate gift between soul mates; the gift of conversing freely about a topic that is so sensitive for all parties that it is not often broached.

Ron has also gifted me, by being the remarkable man that he is, a new sense of strength to get me through the next few days. This new found strength will allow me to encourage him to go when the time is right. Husband, you are still a pillar of strength for me, you are still supporting me and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. As promised, hand in hand, I will be with you as you complete your journey.

Now we wait, relive adventures and stories, laugh and support each other. It may be tough but we know it is right for Ron.

Thank you all for your support, encouragement and best wishes. Revenue Solutions Branch -you are remarkable with your thoughtfulness and care packages that routinely come our way.

1 comment:

  1. "A cure is not always possible, but healing is." I'm paraphrasing the author Elizabeth Lesser in Broken Open, a book that has helped me immensely in so many ways. There's a lot of truth in her words, speaking to the distinction between curing and healing. I came to appreciate this close to the time when my wife died: Laura found healing on a much deeper level than her physical body, and near the "end", all she needed to know was that we would be OK. I may not know Ron all that well, but his devotion and love for his family (friends included) is obvious. It is a tremendous gift he has shared in making his desires known, allowing you both to talk about what's next. I admire you both for your strength, your openness, and your irreverence too, for it's not easy to find an ounce of humor in talking about death,especially your own or that of a loved one. I don't know if he is, but tell Ron not to worry; when it is his time to go, the place he'll find will make him smile.

    In admiration and compassion,