I was dragging my feet for fear of pain – emotional pain from writing about our recent news. You see, the day after getting home from Disney World, Ron had an appointment with the Radiation Oncologist. This visit did not result in good news. We found out that the cancer is spreading, again, faster than we ever expected. It is now affecting the heart and the diaphragm. At the rate of growth, the doctor suggested that Ron could be in hospice care within two months. Wow... there is a time line for you – two months, eight weeks, sixty days, one thousand four hundred forty hours. Of this time we are told that there will be ever changing symptoms as his physical health deteriorates.
It is pointless for me to drone on about how shell shocked we were at this new development. It is also pointless for me to go into details about the implications of involving the heart. I also choose not to lay out the details because it is too emotionally painful.
Today we were, once again, at the doctor’s office. She has sent Ron for blood work to reveal whether or not there are implications of cancer on the liver. Also, it is suspected that the lymph nodes are involved. Pain medications have been increased.
As I was walking away from the boat today I had an epiphany. Once Ron declares that he needs hospice it will be the last time he will be on the boat – our home, our dream. When we hold hands, I will not know if this the last time that he will give my hand a little squeeze. When we hug, I will not know if it will be the last big hug that leaves me feeling loved. When we kiss, I will not know if it will be our last kiss that seals our love.
We have decided that we need to process this information, dig deep and find strength to march on as we always do when times are tough. My new fear is that I am not the woman of strength I believed to be. Ron is handling this with great dignity. Husband, I am so proud of you!
Ron, the first time you held my hand I felt loved and complete. Know and trust that I will hold your hand as we endure this journey that will take you to your own destination. I love you so much.