Thursday, January 27, 2011

My Heart Says NO!

My heart says no, but my mind says yes. It was an incredible conflict I faced today.

My heart ached for everything to stay the same; to be all right. My mind said that it is OK, it is all about Ron. This great tug of war between my heart and mind came to light when we realized it was time for Ron to be admitted to palliative care.

In this blog we have chosen to keep it light. I find as we support Ron in his journey, it is more difficult to gloss over the reality. I believe in my heart that Ron has gallantly endured more discomfort to stay aboard Ta Daa as long as possible. The truth is that this sinister mass consuming his chest cavity and organs is taking its toll - physically, emotionally and mentally - each and every day.

Today while visiting Andrea, his esteemed physician, Ron stated it was time for him to go to palliative care. He has not slept a full night since November. We knew this but he felt the snippets he was catching was enough. Couple the lack of sleep with pain that would not go away and you get one fatigued, exhausted man. While explaining how he felt and the frustration, tears welled up in his eyes. Unfortunately, a bed was not available. Ron settled for spending one or two nights at Doug and Karen's. I had, I thought, a couple days to digest Ron's request. To Ron's benefit, a bed became available.

This meant, for me, Ron likely will not set foot again on our boat. Our boat was not my dream, it was not Ron's dream. It is our dream. Wow, I need to work through this. My heart wanted to deny and scream NO, it is not time for us to end our dream - at least not like this. My mind admitted that this was right for Ron and this is all about Ron, his comfort, his peace of mind and contentment. This is also Ron's way of continuing to take care of me. He worried about situation that would be next to impossible to deal with while living on a boat.

We shared many teary times today. I will admit that this whole week has been weepy for me. After picking up a handicap tag for the car and a wheelchair we swung past the boat to get gear for Ron to take to the hospital. Every moment was agony. The drive to Saanich Peninsula Hospital was silent. I asked Ron if he was hungry. I can't believe it but he requested McDonalds drive through over hospital food for supper.

Once we arrived at palliative care, Ron felt a great sense of relief. The nurses made sure he was comfortable and were more than attentive to his needs. Tonight his meds were slightly adjusted. Tomorrow there would be a consultation with the palliative care doctor and Andrea. Andrea wants to find out what else is going on to cause discomfort in his hip.

Ron's spirit has stayed strong. Ron's sense of humour has not diminished. Ron's physical house for his body is severely failing him. Earlier I mentioned the mass consuming his chest cavity. This has caused obvious physical change in Ron. He has lost weight, his legs and left hand are swollen, his gait is extremely impaired, his breathing is shallow and often laboured. It does not matter the physical, mental or emotional changes. The Ron today is still the man I fell in love with and married on August 16, 1997. Nothing will ever change that.

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